Old Relationship Issues
Deb Hisle

A long time ago, I was in NRE [New Relationship Energy] with my husband. We lived together, we married, we got in a rut, we got out of a rut, we got in a rut, we procreated, and somewhere along the way we discovered poly.

There have been a lot of issues we've dealt with in learning about poly and deciding to live poly lives, etc. Things like respecting each others' partners, learning how to do time management, learning how to keep NRE from interfering with everyday essential activities, learning how much is good sharing and how much is too much detail...

But somewhere along the way, it started to happen. Living parallel lives that intersect more and more often in the boring parts, and less and less often in the exciting parts.

So, we're relearning about dating each other, giving each other that time that's datetime, rather than giving each other every other kind of time *but* datetime.

We don't live in a communal polygon kind of relationship. We're a nuclear family with other relationships that are all, by some interpretation, LDRs [Long Distance Relationships]. Sometimes distance is more of a differentiation in living arrangements, than it is in actual geographical miles.

Poly means not having to live together.

The only living-together stuff that either of us deal with is with each other. So we deal with each other on whether there's milk or eggs left in the fridge, or if there are any clean socks left in the house, or how often the mail gets sorted or the bills get paid. We deal with other on the big stuff, like how we're going to pay the next tuition check or what kind of carpet to walk on for the next 10 years or whether all the china will fit on three shelves or four in the new cabinet. And the big stuff seems to have a lot more paying bills than going shopping attached to it.

All the other relationships get the fun stuff, the playtime, the late-night rambling philosophical stuff that comes loose when there's been some time away from the run of the mill, time to get thoughts turned toward the stars rather than the earth.

And sometimes it takes a kick in the head to remember to share fun stuff with each other, too. Especially when those other relationships, lacking in the "unfun" stuff, are so attractive.

It's not always a matter of New Relationship Energy. Sometimes it's just a matter of Other Relationship Energy, where it turns out the Other tends to never have to deal with "you used up the last of the milk" or "I thought *you* deposited that check" sort of tiffs.

So in the time calculations and planning, we're learning to plan ourselves back into that equation. Learning to cuddle aimlessly again. Learning to drift and dream and not have to plot or plan. Learning to share the impractical stuff again.


- Auntie Deb

Deb Hisle