A discussion with a lover have led me to think long and hard about the "extra" difficulties incorporating a
third into an existing dyad. To make sense of it, I had to think about issues that come up in marriage counseling and the experiences of people in first marriages.
We often forget how important labels are to our sense of security and
regularity. If what we are living and feeling matches our inner labels,
we are comfortable. If they don't, we are stressed and distraught. Of
course, this varies a lot from person to person. Some people become very
comfortable with uncertainty in their lives, while others are unable to
deal with it, at all.
One label of special importance is "marriage." Even homosexuals who are
married (whether legally recognized or not) are subject to some of the
problems this brings up. This label is of major importance in a first
marriage.
A man takes his father or other major male influence as his model of how
he should behave as "Husband" and "Father." He expects his spouse to
behave as his mother (or other major female influence) as his model of how
his spouse should behave as "Wife" or "Mother." A woman does just the
opposite. Again, as in all areas of human experience, the strength of
this behavior modeling varies enormously from person to person.
The first problem facing a new couple is that the expectation of how "I"
should behave conflicts with the expectation that my "spouse" has. "My"
expectation of how the spouse should behave conflicts with her expectation
of her own behavior. That conflict is either worked out or the marriage
fails in one sense or another (not all failed marriages end in divorce).
Second and later marriages often show that some serious lessons were
learned in the first marriage, but not always. Some people go through one
marriage after another trying to duplicate their birth family or rebelling
against it.
Problems arise in many areas: housekeeping chores, use of money, how
free time is utilized, romance, sex, availability of resources and so on.
Underlying all these problems to be resolved for the marriage to succeed
is the essential one: How Decisions Are to be Made.
The decision on how to make decisions may depend on the area
considered, but most couples soon develop a way of making decisions.
The method may range from free-wheeling fights to calm discussions to any
combination of any known method. Some families allow all decisions to be
made by one person. Some families negotiate and trade ("you get this area
and I get this other one.").
However it is done, a successful marriage works out a way of dealing with
decisions that is satisfactory to all concerned. With this settled, the
other problems are more easily dealt with. If it is never settled, no
other problem ever seems to be finally dealt with.
This difficulty works out in roommate situations, as well, but not
with the intensity of a marriage. Again, the label creates an
automatic, unconscious change in how things are done between the
two. The intensity is increased, things left to random choices now
become issues to be resolved, and so on. This is a difficult period which
can last for a few months or may take years to work out, and the success
with which the decision making process is solved determines the success
of the marriage.
The decision making process is often renegotiated as people change. If
the original process is satisfactory, the transition to a new process is much
smoother.
No matter how well this has been worked out, bringing in a third
automatically renews the issue.
The original couple has worked out the major issues and, most likely, how
decisions are to be made. The new partner now has to be integrated into
this system. How is this to be done?
Unlike a two person family, there are now three people who have to be
comfortable with the process of decision making as well as comfortable
with the decisions that have already been made. It is a big help if the
decision making process is handled first.
In our own case, our new partner lived with this method: "I can make
suggestions, but my partner makes the decisions." This made it easy and
difficult at the same time. We made decisions by consensus. Since our
new partner was not used to making decisions at all, she always agreed
with whatever we came up with, not good. We had to bring her out, to
involve her in expressing herself, and to getting her to join in the decision
making process.
We had decided that each person's share of housekeeping chores would be
whatever they either liked to do or didn't mind doing. There were a few
conflicts which were further resolved by giving the chore to whomever felt
most strongly about how they were done. Gripes about methods were
handled very simply. If you didn't like the way I was doing my chore, you
can do it.
Finances were also dealt with by a slow process (it took several
years) of integrating our finances and being careful to separate all
things purchased into "mine" or "yours." Other details were handled in
the same way.
When SB came into our family, we had new things that she wanted to do
(or didn't mind doing) that I had previously done, some things that she
wanted to do that SM had previously done, and some things we had just let
go that she wanted to do. Where she wanted to help with something one
of us was doing, we let her.
For finances, we kept her finances separate from ours and have let
her decide how much she wants to integrate her money into ours. At
the present time, the integration is almost complete - at her option.
We went out of our way to make sure she had private space for
herself (as we each had).
This was not handled smoothly. There was a period of about five
months while these things were hammered out. I suspect the thing
that helped the most was our insistence that her needs be expressed
clearly and unambiguously, and then the three of us would see how we
could accommodate what she needed so we would all be comfortable with
the arrangement.
All in all, the addition of a third to an already existing dyad worked very well with less time spent integrating her into the triad than SM and I had in coming up with a workable arrangement for the two of us.
As I look over other triads, this seems generally to be true. Those dyads
that had the basic issue of decision making solved, had little problem
integrating a third. True, it still took time, but it seems easier than
coming up with a method for the original couple. Those dyads that had
simply made decisions by failing to decide have had major problems with a
third, and such relationships do not commonly work. Where they do, it is
because the addition of a third forces the choices about decision making
and the decisions themselves to be clear and precise.
Going through this process makes something abundantly clear. A
couple going through problems, especially when there are no clear
rules about how decisions are made, risks everything when they
attempt to bring a third relationship in, even as an outside lover.
By distracting the couple from time best spent on solving their
problems (often unstated emotional issues) and providing an outside
source of love and support, the couple's relationship is weakened.
This may provide the impetus for solving their problems, but is more
likely to be the "last straw," one that cannot survive the normal jealousy
issues that need to be worked through.
Our rules are hard earned. They are based on mutual respect and
honor for each person, with whatever emotional issues they may have.
They require clear, precise and clearly stated desires and wishes. No one
is permitted to just "give in," as that builds the foundation for resentment.
A decision is to be consensus, one that each of us is comfortable with as
an individual. No one is to be forced to do anything. ("There is no
compulsion in Islam," said Mohammed.)
It is our love for one another that "makes" us want to do things for the
family and one another. It is love that "makes" us want to accommodate
one another. It is love that "makes" us comfortable with each person's
weaknesses and problems. It is love that "makes" our family available for
others to join us.
And it is easier to add the third than to join together as two in the
first place. I suspect, given the solidity of our family, that we can
accommodate more with ease. But I'll have to experience that to be sure.
Love & Blessings,
Black Eagle