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Advice On What To Do When You Don't Like A Partner's Partner?
Hi all,
Does anyone have any resources to suggest (books, articles, websites) about
what to do when you find you really don't like your sweetie's partners? I'm
asking this for a friend who is not able to get email often and can't post
to this list himself.
He loves his sweetie but finds that he really can't find much in common
with his partner's loves. I suspect that some of this is indeed that they
are very different people, and perhaps some of it is that he's not giving
them much of a chance. But in any case, I think any resources you folks can
suggest would give him some food for thought.
Thanks!
I will venture one other thing that works for me and my spouse....We agreed
at the outset of polylife that OUR relationship is primary, the long-haul.
Which is our marriage commitment. We stay together and, hopfully, can fit
others into this long-term relationship for the pleasure of extended loveship and
family. If someone must go, then the new addition must go.
If my spouse is sabotaging the new relationship or she thinks that I am and an
impasse is reached--then a judgment call must be made. Has the primary
relationship died. If so bury it and build with the new one. If the spouse is a
more wholesome match, then stick, unconditionally, to your original
agreement with her/him.
Loving, polyamorously, without guiding principles is like sailing your
ship without a rudder. You windup wherever the wind pushes.
In conclusion, emotional abuses are as demoralizing to a partner as physical
beatings. Thus, polyamory would decrease the joy of loving if it produces a
constant battlefield. And Marriage would NOT have lasted for milleniums if
it had no benefits to offer the couple/group--(although group marriage is
not recognized legally in USA, as far as I know. But should be a long range
goal of polyamorists, in my opinion.)
Dissolutions of partnerships happen. Control the crash. Make a happier
life with r'ship that's left!
Sincerely,
This is a real downsize of expanded relationships. And it happens more than
you might imagine especially for folks who choose the closer circle kind of
group relationships. In other words, if you want to all be close enough to
hang out a lot or even live together, mutual compatibility becomes
essential.
Growing to embrace more diversity, increasing your understanding of each
other individually and as different types, and sometimes counseling to get
through specific blocks all are helpful. But when you get down to the wire,
sometimes there's just no way that you can be close enough to be in an
intimate circle or family together.
It's one of those "you really can't have it all" times and makes for a tough
period. This is why Black Eagle, as well as others, have frequently
counseled that it is imperative to stay up to date with partner's new
loves--in other words you can easier nip it in the bud if it has no positive
potential for all of you. (Unless of course, your partner would rather
distance from you and continue the new relationship).
While I personally have been many times blessed by the fact that those close
to me are close to people I also value and enjoy, I've also experienced true
noncompatibility at times. It's a real heartbreaker, but reality.
I don't know of other resources on this topic. Sorry to say.
Ryam
