Ryam Nearing
Hi,
I lived as a triad for some years on the Big Isle of Hawaii in a small
community. We ran a solar store and especially after a bunch of folks saw us
on a network talk show (seems most people had a satellite dish, tho we
didn't :) we were very much out in that limited population. We had few to no
problems. We never pushed our relationship in anyone's face--only responded
when asked and even kept that very brief unless the person obviously was
very personally interested due to their own life/relationships.
My practice has been to not tell people anything about my personal life
unless there's a reason they need to know. Obviously most strangers and
acquaintances don't need to know a thing. Friends vary in their need. Close
folks must know. Most hetero couples don't tell their intimate life details
to anybody but those close--why should polys?
If strangers speculate it can be very very funny. One guy was sure that one
of my partners was my brother--but he couldn't figure which one. When we
became a family of 5 adults, everyone thought that my son looked just like
his "Dad" no matter which male partner I might have been with at the time
they made this comment.
My other technique in being out with friends or with work situations has
been to have the people get to know me first as just myself. If they already
like you as a kind friend or good worker, it's harder for them to shift
their opinion when they find out you are also part of a triad. It would make
them have to distrust their own judgement of human nature.
Bio-family can surprise you! Some you might think would be angry will be
accepting, some you thought would support you may not. One thing that seems
to work for most folks is time. After you've been together a while as three
(or more), it becomes obvious that this isn't some temporary strangeness and
most families find ways to accept the situation--some by not discussing it,
others by just glossing over details of the situation, others by just taking
on a "live and let live" attitude. Good luck on this one!
Final note. Yes most people will assume that you two who were first a dyad
are either 1. the "real" relationship or 2. are screwing the other partner
or just using the new person. Not much you can do to change their suspicions
except to reassure them verbally and then demonstrate it in how you actually
treat each other in their presence.
best,
Ryam
