Its odd the kind of epiphanies you can reach at 8 p.m. I was just making the bed, knowing full well that the order I was forming would inevitably be tousled back into chaos in a few short hours, when I saw it. I froze with sheet in hand, staring with surprise at the pillows I laid out. There they were, the same way I had lain them almost every day for a year, and I had never noticed. There was Bella's pillow, the square green one with the egg carton feel that I never cared for but she swore by it as the only route to a good night's sleep. Hers was on the inside, near the light and our crate; with
massage oils, lubricants, book, condoms, and vibrator; all easily accessible for any desire and opportunity. Next to her pillow was mine; now I'd always felt quantity over quality was the rule, at least when it comes to headrests. So mine was a small heap, honestly I'm not really that particular when it comes to pillows. But I digress, it was what was next to my own pillows that caught my eye. You see, I remember a time, way back when, when I carelessly threw the pillows into two piles for our use. What would you say to know that ever since you've entered our lives, I've been setting an extra place? There they were, a small pile of pillows reserved for a head and body that hadn't used them more than three or four times, now over twelve months ago. Used them and left, returning with a boyfriend, and a "Happy Birthday, I think Ill sleep in the living room." Did you know, because I sure didn't, that the impression you left in our lives, in my life, would not leave just because you did?
Did you know, because I sure didn't, that what we three shared would place such an imprint on me, at times so subtle, and others so glaring? Did you know, because I sure didn't, that I would become as a man with an amputated limb, still feeling its presence? Did you know, because I sure as hell didn't, that what we did would become such a foundation of my life that I could not imagine me as me without that experience?
I just wanted you to know, that for good or for ill, my life will always be entwined with those few nights we three spent together. And while I hold no illusions as to our current status, as friends, I will still set out a third pillow; whether for you, for another, or just for my own stability.