I have read a lot about polyamory and Deborah Anapol's book "Polyamory The New Love Without Limits," and various other sources on this subject. I have been involved in being the outside person looking onto a poly relationship between my wife and her lover. I have come to the conclusion that what polyamory is meant to be, and the way that people live the lifestyle are two entirely different ideas.

Everything that has been written about polyamory comes up with the same basic principle: The concept of "loving More" people with differences that meet your needs. My wife taught me a really profound saying:

"Not Better, Just Different."

This saying compounded with the principles and ideas of polyamory has led me to believe that this lifestyle is based on "Loving More", as well as "Loving Equal". What do I mean by loving equal? That is a very good question. Let's examine what I mean. First, we must go back to the lifestyle of monogamy and a concept that was ingrained in us deeper than monogamy could go. I do not have a one line statement for this concept, but I can describe it. Have you ever sat down during, or somewhere thereabouts, a new relationship and thought about your old relationship, or even have it flit through across your mind? Of course not! Why? Because when society taught us to be monogamous, they ingrained in is that to begin a new relationship, we must end the old relationship. Not to mention that the energy, ecstasy, and exhilaration that the new relationship caused, why would we want to think about the old relationship. In this respect some poly people, to one degree or another, still have this concept as a part of them.

To understand what I mean by this let us change the words "new relationship" and "old relationship" to "NRE ( New Relationship Energy)" and "ORE ( Old Relationship Energy)". During the point in time that most poly people were experiencing NRE how many of them could honestly say that they paid complete attention to the ORE's wants, needs, and desires? Now before all of you start jumping down my throat about this statement, take a few minutes and honestly think about this. Can you honestly say that, to some degree, you were so caught up with the thrill of an NRE that the ORE paled in comparison. Why? Because the ORE became comfortable, and to a degree not as highly energetic as the NRE.

In being able to fully accept the idea of being poly, I feel that the concept and idea of how the lifestyle should be lived should be taken a step farther. During any kind of poly relationship, the poly person should not be saying, " I devote my love to this person 65% of the time, this person gets 30% and this person gets 5%." In some cases this will apply, maybe one lover is having a bad day and needs the reassurance that someone out there cares about how they feel. But love should never be devoted to one person for an extended period of time. Does a grandmother pay attention to only one of her grandchildren, when she has four or five of them at her house. No, she pays as much attention to each and everyone of them as she can. So why can't this be applied to poly relationships?

If you read the passage in "Love Without Limits", by Cynthia Nelson, on 44 reasons why she likes nonmonogamy (and 4 reasons why she doesn't), you will find that no where in any of those reasons does she imply that she wants to spend an extended amount of time with any single one of them. She wants to spend as much time with each as she possible can. This concept of NRE and giving more attention to that relationship is completely foreign to me. Why, if I am in an NRE relationship, should the NRE get more of my attention, my cuddling, my kisses, my warmth. My caresses, more sex, etcetera, when my ORE matters just as much to me as my NRE.

"Not Better, Just Different."

If I am in the same room with a few of my lover's, I will do my best to pay attention to each and everyone of them, to let them know that they are just as important in my life as equals, and that I will share whatever I have to offer with them as often as I can. The touching and sharing that I receive from each one of them will be different, and one relationship will always enhance the other in all aspects of those relationships, yes, people sex is included in that statement. I am not going to tell one of my lover's that I don't want to spend quality time with them right now, turn around and five hours later be doing that with another love of my life. It is unfair to those other loves that will need there wants, desires, and feelings fulfilled as well. Nor am I going to say that just because this person gets sex from me, that I am not in the mood to have sex with another. If it is what they want, then why should I tell them no, just because I already got some. Nah, I don't think so.

"Not Better, Just Different."

In conclusion, polyamory was not intended to be said that I am having more fun with this relationship, than in that one. I want all my loves to be equal in my life in all aspects of my life, because that is the way love was meant to be shared. Whether I am in an NRE or not.


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